Pokémon Milky Pearls in Unova: Don't Touch Him, He's My Waifu
by Not Piteous
Summary: Milquetoast Milford travels Unova. Call her Milk. Milk is a little strange. With her is Sinnoh's Pearl, the poor unfortunate man. Together, they find love, adventure, or at least adventure. Love is a bit of a stretch for these two.
1. Round 1

It was over. He knew that much. He had been through so much to even get this far. Traversing Sinnoh with only his pack and his Pokémon, earning eight gym badges and fighting his hardest for each of them, championing the regional conference, and clearing through the Elite Four's gamut, all to lose that one final match.

Everything up until that point was time wasted, or so he thought. All of the time, all of the effort, all the struggle, all tears, and all those hopes of his were wasted. All to build up to a final victory never won. A championship title never taken.

At the sight of his Torterra, fainted in the charge time between a Frenzy Plant that was executed just a moment too soon, he fell to his knees. His favorite red beret fell off his top, his short black hair was now exposed, and tears trickled out of both his eyes. He had been wearing a scarf to ward against some cold up in the high altitude of the Pokémon League's base of operation, but that had been lost to the boom and rancor of his battle against the current, and still reigning champion, Cynthia.

The victorious Garchomp hardly looked so. Beaten, bruised, and out of breath. Panting severely, she thanked whatever god she prayed to that her opponent's Frenzy Plant ended up rising from the ground a hair too far in front if him to make contact.

"I… lost…" He said, while trying and failing to stem the tears which trickled down his face. "I've failed…. I let everyone… down…."

He berated himself. Though no one would fault him so long as he tried his hardest, he berated himself. His mother would support him, that was obvious. Professor Rowan would offer his support. The Champion Cynthia commended him on a battle well fought. Even his rival, the hyperactive no-brakes Barry, who lost to him in the early rounds of the regional conference, of course he would give anything to trade where he stood. Yet he still berated himself for any number of things he could have done differently, as if every detail went wrong for him.

He was wrong to blame himself for one second of fowl luck, but he did. Little Pearl of Twinleaf Town, who pushed himself so hard to become the Champion, was sure where he stood that he should be the sole bearer of failure.

To the Pearl of Twinleaf Town, who would so plague himself with the maligned emotions of self pity and guilt, CHEER THE HELL UP, YOU EMOTIONAL SOD!

…

And then I woke up. I woke up from my pleasant slumber and dreams of my Pearl Knight to the shady overgrowth of Pinwheel Forest…. Suu~ per.

Oh, well! Back to the daily tedium of kissing the butt of a woman I don't even know in place of my brother

To avoid misunderstanding, I won't actually be kissing anyone's butt. At least I hope not. You see, my older brother is a huge dork…. That doesn't really explain much, but it had to be said, and because my older brother is such a huge dork, he works for this big sciency conglomerate here in Unova, and I'm helping him do his research around the region because I'm a good sister, and he's paying me in pudding.

Delicious pudding.

It's a cushy gig, though my expenses are largely my own. I get some scrap money for travel and the essentials like food, water, toiletries, and more food. To top it all off, I've got this whole region to explore, something my mom would never have allowed me to do if not for my brother's genetic predisposition towards brown nosing, so I guess my dorky brother has moments what he selfishly asks of me also benefits me by happenstance.

Anyways, I won't get much done by lying with my back to the ground to wait and get eaten by a Scolipede. Out of the sleeping bag, into the stream – Bath, bath. Soapy, sudsy. Naughty boys, stay away! – ALL CLEAN! Now I must dress.

I used to hate to wear skirts and such when I was younger, Momma didn't want her little girl to be ruffin' with the boys and gettin' her pretty clean dresses all muddilated, but now actually prefer skirts to pants because of the nice breeze I catch whenever a strong wind blows my way. Can't be goin' commando, though. Breeze is fine, too much breeze gets you on the cover of some naughty magazine that my brother used to keep hidden inside his text books.

Okay! Time for the checklist. Sexy black stockings? Check! Comfy sneakers? Check! Sister's old uniform skirt? Check! And Sis wishes she could rock this skirt like I do. Brassiere? Ha ha ha…. As if. Cute pink camisole I bought online? Check!

Okay, so it looks like I'm all dr – oops. Hold up.

Men's underwear because that frilly, girly stuff is too embarrassing? Check!

Okay! Now it looks like I'm all dressed up! I've got a hat, too, but I've got to fix my hair first. It's something else I ordered online, a plush Jigglypuff cap, complete with stubby arms, triangular ears, big green eyes, and even a little green microphone that doubles as a marker. It's perfect for drawing on the faces of the slumbering.

I have to look into the stream to see what my hair looks like…. Yep. It's still there. My hair's so short that there's not much I can do with it anyway.

Okay, to finish things off: Hat…? Check! Check! CHECK! With this I am complete. That's right, I, Milquetoast Milford, have realized my greatest, ultimate form: Clothed!

Actually, no. I don't want this to be my final form. If this is my final form, then that means everything's downhill from here. So if clothed is my final form, does that mean I have to take my clothes off to get stronger? I hope not, 'cos that'd be kinda weird.

"Alright, world! Get ready, 'cos I'mma gonna trash you somethin' good!" I shouted, looking the universe square in the eye. And by that I mean I looked up at the sun, which is bad after too long. "Ahhh!" I scream, vision temporarily impaired.

"How many times have I told you not to get into staring contests with the sun?" Ah, that low scolding tone comes at me from behind. I have come to love it so. "Milk, you could go blind from doing that!"

He's such a good waifu, or should I say husbando? Whatever. I'll call him my waifu because that's what he is. A waifu. My waifu. Hands off.

"Thank you, Darling." I greet him, now that I see he's awake. "Did you sleep well? Were you awake long? Did you peep at me while I was bathing? I wouldn't mind if you did."

My waifu, Pearl of Twinleaf. Former Sinnoh Champion bidder, and super adorable in his blue, bubble pattern jammies – Oh, he's so cute…!

"I'd never look at you." He's being a cold waifu right about now, but my waifu is my waifu, and I love him with all my heart.

"Are you mad? Was I not being affectionate enough? Wait there." I'm going in.

"Huh? No. Stay back!" He acts like he doesn't like it when I get affectionate, but I know better. "Ahhhhhhh!"

And then we got affectionate together. I affected the crap out of him. I affected him so hard, so thoroughly that I'm not even sure I can use the word affected like I am now.


	2. Round 2: vs Scolipede

Still in the Pinwheel Forrest, I split the majority of my time between collecting data on the local Venipede population (and associated evolutions) and spying on the waifu, secretly hoping that he'll anger a Sewaddle and get covered in sticky, white String Shot because the image that invokes makes me all hot and bothered – Mmm!

"Milk, wipe your face. You're drooling…, again." He said, being a good waifu.

"Could you wipe it for me?" I asked, wondering how best to convince him to wear the frilly apron I've got stored away in The Bag of Unforgivable Happiness.

After being shot down with expedience and extreme prejudice, I wiped my own mouth and sulked off to continue researching the aforementioned poisonous bug-a-boos. Ho-hum….

I'll be honest, The Bag of Unforgivable Happiness is just my name for my tote. There are still plenty of unforgivable things stored away in there, make no mistake, but they all make me happy in ways I'm too young to understand. And really, isn't that true happiness?

"Milk, have you found where…? Milk?" He took his eyes off me, but any experienced waifu will tell you, never take your eyes off your Honey's moneymaker! "Milk, where did you go?"

And then, drawing inspiration from the hunting techniques of the forrest's Pansage, Pansear, and Panpour, which we spent all last week observing, I jumped down on my waifu from the branches above, i took him from behind. My knees landed square on his shoulders, and he went down.

"Ooof!" He grunted, falling to the ground under my negligible weight.

"Weakling!" I scolded him for being pinned down by a lightweight girl such as me.

To reiterate, I am not heavy at all. I am really, really light.

"Milk, get off of me!" He shouted, tho he had no room to be complaining. "You could've broken my back!"

"Don't you know anything about being a waifu? Never leave your…, umm…." Actually, since I dubbed him the waifu, does that make me the husbando? "Never leave your mate unattended!"

"I. Am. Not. Your. Mate." He affirmed, in single word sentences. "And I never will be!"

"How could you say that?" Tho I love it when you act so cold to me. "Even tho I'm only always affectionate for you…."

"You nearly broke my arms, jumping on me like that!"

"Well yeah, but I did it so that you could see my panties!" I'm on top of his shoulders with my skirt completely vulnerable. You'd think he'd be more appreciative.

"How do you expect me to notice your panty shots… when I'm face down on the ground?!" The Waifu made an interesting point. I will take this into consideration in the future. "AND I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR PANTS!"

Fueled by his glorious waifu fervor, my Waifu forced himself off of the ground, raising me up just for me to fall off of him to the ground. My head hit first, and it stings.

"Oww!" As much as it stung, I was giddy with excitement. Maybe now I'll be punished for being such a naughty girl.

"You!" He pointed a finger at me, shaking with disapproving fury. "You…. I'm going over THERE. You go in some opposite direction, and unless you get attacked by man eating bugs, I don't want to hear a word from you until sundown!" And then he stomped away.

Now I was alone. I'm alone in pinwheel forest, and my waifu's mad at me…. But he's kinda sexy when he's angry, so I'm all balanced out emotionally.

…

"Sagey, Seari, Pouri, you boys don't think I'm being bothersome to my Waifu, do you?" Now that my beloved Waifu had left me to research alone, and out of reach of my affections, I turned to my only other companions my beloved Pokémon, Pansage, Pansear, and Panpour. Can you guess which name goes to which?

Tho I call them 'boys' collectively, only Sagey is male, and therefore requires that his name ends with y, and not i. And tho I know that asking my Pokémon for advice with my love life must seem weird, I look at Sagey with a girl on each arm, and I think that they can at least offer me something.

Unfortunately, 'tis not so. Matters of the human heart may well be a little different from Sagey macking on Seari and Pouri at all hours of the night. Otherwise, why would they all look at me like I'm the craziest woman on the planet?

"Never mind…." Feeling let down, I returned to studying the bug-a-boos. My three wise monkeys followed me closely from behind.

Data collection has been a fairly simple affair. These past two weeks have pretty much flown by. Sewaddle and its evolutions were were the least troublesome to examine because of their overall friendly nature. They'll still attack on sight if they sense a threat, but I've been taught to be a little more cautious in the grass than most trainers, so I don't always startle them into attacking me right away.

Pansage, Pansear, and Panpour were a little more troublesome to study because of their rarity, but I had my own Pokémon help me find more of their species, so it could have been worse.

We had been saving the Venipede family for last because of the tendency of Poison-type Pokémon to be generally unpleasant…, and also venomous, but that part's through no fault of their own.

"Ukiiii!" Sagey alerted me to the lone Venipede to my right.

That's great luck for me. Venipede are hard enough to deal with by themselves. In a swarm, it'd be n times more annoying studying one when there are ten other's trying to Poison Sting my svelte, girlish bottom.

1'2"…. That's a little shorter than the average length for Venipede. 10.9 lbs. or 4.5 kg. Again below average, but might just be a runt. I lifted him up to get a look at his – sorry – her underbelly. This one's a female, but don't ask me how I know that.

I lifted and prodded at the little bug-a-boo, careful not to aggravate a possible Poison Point, tho I don't believe this one has the ability. She's incredibly docile, but I'll chock that up to having Sagey, Seari, and Pouri following me. Bug-types, pre-evolved ones especially, don't tend to struggle when out numbered, unless they are attacked directly. Rather than scatter and hide, this girlie seems to have taken the "stay completely still" strategy, which I'm very much appreciating.

"Alright, child. I want you to know that you've been a very good sport. To finish off, hows about you let me see your – Ow!" She stung me! I was going for her mouth, and then she hit my finger with Poison Sting!

Struggling free from my grasp, the little Venipede stood it's ground and hissed at me. I didn't think I'd aggravated her, but here she was hissing up a storm, and with all three of my wise monkeys out of their Pokéballs, no less. If it were just one that would still constitute a battle, but where did this sudden surge of courage come from?

*Stomp* And then the low, heavy thudding of a heavy foot against the dirt made me realize all too late, that our Venipede friend may just have been waiting for it's parent.

I turned around and saw her. Standing at at least eight full feet, towering over me was a fully evolved Scolipede. Big, purple, and with four feet on the ground, the one was going to cause me trouble. Not the fun kind of trouble where I let the Waifu help himself to an eyeful of my boys' size small underwear. This is serious trouble.

My Pokémon weren't that well trained, I've only just begun traveling with them, so any attempt to battle a Scolipede this soon would be difficult at best, and impossible if we're being honest. Unfortunately, Seari, my lone fire type, and the best, if still disadvantaged, match I had to combat Scolipede was immediately singled out.

"Seari, Ember!" Seari spat out little bullets for flame towards the Scolipede, but her efforts were drowned out by the spear of purple gunk fired from the megapede Pokémon's mouth.

Scolipede's Venoshock pretty much swallowed Seari's Ember before hitting Seari directly, sending her flying across the forest, and rendering her in no shape to fight.

"Seari!" Now I was stuck. Seari was my best chance. Sagey has weaknesses to both Scolipede's Poison-type and Bug-type attacks, and Pouri was my lowest leveled of my three Pokémon. If something miraculous didn't happen soon, I was done for? "Someone, help! Anyone!" I had no options but to call for help. What could I do?

I tried to run away, my back up for when aide didn't arrive from the heavens above, but I was stopped when the little Venipede from earlier skewered my ankle with a Poison Sting needle. I then fell on my face, my run halted then and there.

"Oww…." The needle hurt, but I was in for worse if I couldn't get away from there fast. "Help…."

With a mighty roar, the Scolipede rolled towards me and my Pokémon. The attack was called Steamroller, and I was right in it's path.

"Eighty-two, use Super Fang!" Such was the sound of my salvation.

On average, Scolipede weigh in at around 442 lbs., and they're over eight feet tall. So when I see such a monster get stopped in it's tracks, and even repelled by the buck tooth of a little white squirrel with cute yellow cheeks, I almost want to get my eyeballs cleaned.

The little rodentia in question was a Pachirisu. Cute, fluffy, and not even indigenous to the Unova region. It's foreign standing aside, I only knew one trainer to own a Pachirisu.

"I should have known better than to leave you alone…." My Waifu is the coolest. "Can you stand?"

"No." My ankle was in pain, but at least I wasn't poisoned. "Darling, how did you know to find me?"

"You screamed. Then I came here." He didn't even complain about me calling him darling. His affection must have gone up as a part of the rescue event! "Eighty-two, use Thunder Wave!"

"Pachiii!" Eighty-two, Waifu's questionably named Pachirisu, glowed with bolts of blue electricity. His yellow cheeks glowing bright, Eighty-two fire a cone of low power electricity into the Scolipede's bones, paralyzing the monster.

"Now, Eighty-two, use Electro Ball!"

Collecting electricity in his tiny, white, squirrelly hands, Eighty-two created and held a ball of lightning with Scolipede's name on it.

"Pachiiii!" Hurling his Electro Ball at the monster with all his strength, Eighty-two knocked Scolipede right off it's feet. "Chi! Chiii!" Eighty-two celebrated, tho perhaps a little too soon.

Struggling and groaning to get up. Scolipede was down but not out. My Waifu thought differently. Chucking a Great Ball at the creature's head, Darling contained the beast. Wobbling three times before locking, Scolipede was officially captured.

"I can't believe you just went and almost got yourself killed." He said, scolding me as he walked over to Scolipede's Great Ball. "Can you walk?"

I tried to stand, but almost fell as my ankle hadn't healed. Luckily for me, the Venipede from earlier must have decided to flee when Scolipede started loosing.

"No. My ankle is bleeding." I explained to him.

"Well, I collected as much info as I could on Whirlipede and Venipede, and we can study this dude later." He said, motioning to Scolipede's ball. "Recall Seari over there, and then let's split. Two weeks of this place is enough. I'm ready to get to Castelia already."

He stooped down in front of me so that I could climb his back. Not only was he offering to carry me, but it was a piggy back ride!

I had to see how far I could milk this. "Umm, Darling…. In stead of that, could you carry me like a prin-"

"Get on my back before I start dragging you." Oh, he's so sexy when he gets bossy! Ooh!


End file.
